There is a ‘secret’ to dating that it seems most guys know and a lot of women could stand to learn. It’s not about are you right for them – it’s are they right for you! What is this craziness you speak of?! This has been one of my biggest life lessons this past year. It was a serious ah-ha moment for me when I realized that I have been doing it backwards. Old me would question how I fit into another person’s life vs. looking at myself and what I needed out of a relationship. Example, they’re really fit and into working out, maybe I should hit the gym more? They love camping on rocks and feeling pain in the morning, sure I can do that too. I was Julia Roberts in Runaway Bride – always becoming what someone else was looking for. The problem (and there are many) is this isn’t authentic and it’s not taking care of or respecting me. Plus, let’s be honest most of my relationships didn’t ask for this metamorphous, I happily volunteered it. Crazy girl.
The saying, “he’s just not that into you’ is so perfect, because guess what? He/She is NOT and that is totally okay, because it’s not about you! I’ll be honest, this one has been hard for me to grasp. I think a lot of women take the “not into you” as being what is wrong with me? Why aren’t they into me? I know – this is revolutionary crap here, but it’s about ‘them’ knowing what they need and want. What?! What would dating look like if we all looked at people we’re dating and judged them not for who they are, but looked instead at who am I and what do I need and want? I’m learning (slow learner here) that it’s not about the other person being ‘bad’ or not enough; it’s just maybe they’re not the right fit for me. I’m also learning and this one is more of a punch to the ego; maybe I’m not right for them AND that’s okay too. It’s not that I’m lacking or flawed, it may just be that we’re not what each other needs. Mind blown, drop the mic.
This dating thing is not for wimps. Being the slow relationship learner that I am, I struggle with doing this differently at this point in my life. To make the changes I need to make, means finding a new normal and not falling back on my old habits. I’m starting by first asking myself the hard questions that lead to figuring out what I want and will and won’t do in a relationship. Honestly, this applies to any type of healthy relationship in my book. Just the other day, someone was telling me about someone they wanted to set me up with. One of things they shared with me is a deal breaker for me and I was able to say thanks, but no thanks. I’m not sharing what it is, because it doesn’t really matter- this is about my boundary.
The last thing I’m realizing is that I can’t know what I want unless first I know me. Secondly, it’s my responsibility to ask the deeper questions of someone I’m getting to know. That doesn’t mean I launch into, “so why are you single” the first time I meet someone. Been there done that and it’s not a good ice breaker. Yet, as a friendship grows so should the questions in my book. Honestly, this isn’t really that hard for me as I’m not great at superficial, but it’s not always comfortable for the other person. I can do small talk for a little while, but then I’m done and need some meaty conversations. I think I’m kind of weird because I love the deeper conversations and probing questions if they’re asked out of a place of wanting to get to know me better. I can’t always say everyone feels this way though. I have seen that ‘Did you really just ask me that’ look way too many times. I’d apologize, but crap that’s another thing I’m working on.