Stop Picking Up the Dating ‘Crumbs’!
By Melissa Moore on April 2, 2019
WE need to stop accepting ‘crumbs’ in relationships. Okay, let me put this in first person; I need and am done with the crumbs. Change the TLC song ‘No Scrubs’ to ‘No Crumbs!’. I’m done with being the last priority, the left-over time and energy (crumbs) and I am done with the excuses as to why that is all ‘you’ have to offer. This isn’t about one person in particular, actually it is about one person…me. This is about me lowering my standards and accepting less than I am worth and deserve. I remember years ago hearing that “we teach people how to treat us.” We do and I know I have. I’ve accepted the ‘crumbs’ of time, attention and priorities in a relationship. A girlfriend of mine posted a meme that said it perfectly, “If they wanted to call, they would. If they wanted to talk to you, they would. When someone is into you they make the time for YOU.” This really says it all, doesn’t it? Someone – man or woman – will make time for you if you’re important to them.
For some reason we accept too many excuses in our relationships. We buy into the chaos of our crumb droppers and believe that is all they can do. Stop. No, it’s not. Yes, they’re busy. Yes, they have a lot going on. All true. What’s not true is the excuse that there is no time for you. We all have really busy lives, right? We have jobs, friends, family, children, pets, work deadlines, kids school projects, volunteer work, house projects, laundry, grocery shopping…it’s a lot! Some weeks are harder than others too. Some weeks it feels like we’re just getting by, but we MAKE time for those things and people that are important to us. Even in my busy weeks, I have time for coffee (currently my longest relationship). I even have time to wait in a crazy long line for a hand-crafted pricey coffee. Why? I love it and it’s important to me. Yes, I may take longer to reply to a text or sometimes totally forget during a busy day- but that’s on me not slowing down and taking the time to reply. Could I? Yep.
On my recent trip to AZ I contemplated my ‘crumb theory’ a lot while sitting around the pool eating chips and guac. I remember in my 20’s telling a guy that if he wanted to go out with me then he needed to make some effort and get in touch with me. Guess what? He did. He made a huge effort and knew that I wouldn’t accept anything less. Fast forward and I’m shaking my head at myself. I’m soft. Yes, I’m softer around the middle, but my boundaries and expectations are also soft. Yes, I have more plates spinning than ever before. Busy career, single mom and my girl is my priority. Things are different than they were in my 20’s, but that doesn’t mean that I now need to lower my standards and settle.
When it comes to dating at this period in my life, I know that most people my age are juggling all of these same things. During this phase of life I believe that most people have an understanding of time and priorities that is different and more compassionate than it was before marriage and kids. Despite this, I still believe that we make time for those things and people that are important to us. Maybe we can’t spend the hours just talking on the phone or grab a last minute dinner. Life now takes more planning and balance, but that doesn’t mean that we settle for crumbs. FYI- Someone who only has crumbs to offer is out of balance anyway and needs to do their own work. I also believe that you never graduate from crumbs. If you accept crumbs of time, commitment, attention and priority you are doomed to crumbs. Plus, let’s be honest I’ve never gotten full off of crumbs. Always left me hungry for more. Xoxo