Honesty At All Costs Is Admirable

By Melissa Moore on May 14, 2020

Some of my best relationships never happened.  Sure these relationships took off in my head, but they never materialized.  I may have gone out with these guys, but I didn’t ‘date’ them. I actually don’t know if they would have been great boyfriends/partners or not, but I respect them.  Why?  For one simple reason, they were honest.  I may be a little Pollyanna, but before I went into the dating world I didn’t see honesty as the rarity that I do now.  I’m not perfect and have made some plundering mistakes that have taken truckloads of forgiveness and amends.  What I’ve found is that all honesty starts with myself and holding myself accountable.  Therein may lie the problem, a lot of men that I’ve met in the dating world aren’t honest with themselves.  The ones that are though- those have my deep respect.  Even when they said what I didn’t wanted to hear.

The first super honest non-boyfriend happened shortly after my divorce.  I had a huge crush on him and for a while it was mutual.  When I awkwardly made it clear that I wanted something more, well that was the end of the mutual attraction.  Mr. Hottie wasn’t ready for a relationship or wasn’t ready with me (and that’s okay). He was honest, blunt and kind.  It sucked.  I remember feeling hurt, because I really liked him as a person.  We were friends, but that was all he wanted. Was it what I wanted? Nope.  Was it honest and kind?  100% Yes! In fact, telling someone the truth about your intentions and desires is the kindest thing any of us can do.  It leaves no confusion and frees the other person from any expectations.  I will honestly tell you that my heart and ego didn’t like the reality, but I respected him for this awkward honesty.  And let’s be clear, I’m the one that made it awkward (my super power).  Poor guy.

The next good guy was bluntly honest about what he wanted from me.  I mean I can’t even type what he told me, but I’m sure you can guess.  We had one good date and some sizzling chemistry in the hug good-bye.  He asked me out for dinner a week later, but that never happened.  On the day of the dinner date he canceled.  I can’t say that I was happy having a Friday night date canceled on Friday morning.  I told him that and he said that’s fair and I agree I shouldn’t have waited. Great, now he’s honest and taking responsibility for his actions.  How can I be upset? He shared that after meeting me he knew what I wanted and he couldn’t give it to me.  He had a very short term goal in mind (getting my drift here).  No judgement – it’s just not what I was looking for in my life.

The final good guy I never even met.  We exchanged messages online and then he asked a point blank question; how old is your child?  When I told him he told me that he had made a strict boundary for himself that he wouldn’t date anyone with children younger than his own and wished me all the best.  That was actually such a great lesson for me to witness.  He had his boundary and stuck to it!  Plus, he put that boundary out before any emotional stuff was exchanged.  I seriously respect the heck out of him even though I can’t remember his name.

There are good men out there.  Some are married (and honest and not on the dating sites) and some are single and in the dating pool.    I think the goal for all of us in the dating/relationship world is to be honest at the beginning, middle and end.  We may start out honest, but it’s true integrity that doesn’t take the foot off the honestly peddle.  Being honest when circumstances or feelings change is the true mark of someone ready for the next level.  Those conversations are never easy.  They are also not easy for the other person to hear, but in the end they’re the kindest route.  From experience I can tell you that I’ve stayed longer than I should have in relationships, because I didn’t want to have the talk and acknowledge what we both knew.  Today, I’ll have the talk and do it a little quicker and I hope for the same in return.  I now look at those talks as the bathroom breaks on a road trip.  The longer you stay at the gas stop the longer the trip takes.  Go to the bathroom, get your Twizzlers and let’s go.

Xoxo