What would you change about the last decade? Would you change anything? For me, that is the paradox. If you change one thing, one little thing… how many other things would you end up changing? I admit I’m not someone who says, “I have no regrets.” I honestly don’t understand that concept at all. I have regrets. I think back over choices of the past decade and wish I had done some things differently, but I would want to keep the lessons. Is that what people mean when they say they have no regrets? For me, my worst decisions are usually the biggest lessons and areas of growth. That’s right, when I mess up I commit. Some people may learn with feather lessons, not me. I learn by sledgehammers. Sledgehammer lessons are actually my specialty. I think that is more apparent in my dating history than other aspect of my life. At least that WAS my dating history. I plan to rephrase this in the new decade.
I start this new decade as a single woman- mom- in her 40’s with a teenage daughter. For the first time in a long time I’m not in any type of a relationship. Umm, who am I? I don’t have a so-so Plan B relationship somewhere on the backburner. My relationship status is a bold single at the moment. Now that could change and it could not. In this new decade I no longer will date ‘fixer uppers or potential’, thank you loooonnngg list of people. Overall, I surround myself with positive people who are honest, trustworthy and dependable. The energy vampires have been replaced with positive light forces of love. Another change is that I found that drinking no longer served me and who I want to be, so I got rid of that too. No more putting others needs above my own, good-bye co-dependency. No more needing everyone to like me, goodbye self-doubt. I’ve gained a lot of wisdom and self-love and lost the things that made me feel smaller and less than. Once again, so thankful for the lessons, but admittedly wouldn’t chose to repeat the pain that came with the lessons.
Today I wake up happy on most days. That doesn’t mean my life is easy or that I have everything together, c’mon it’s me. I just wake up knowing that I’m doing my best and am present in my life. Seeing how I haven’t dated much in the past year, I will say that I do have moments of loneliness, but also enjoy solitude on a much deeper level. Solitude has also been the greatest reset button in my life. It was the time alone that originally I was afraid of, but solitude truly allowed me to hit ‘reset’ and transform. At times I look back over my dating history and think what the hell was I thinking?! My thought hope is that during my reset I’ve changed my frequency and will no longer attract the face-licker (true story), or any of the other unhealthy people into my life. I’ve actually really wanted to test this theory by going on some dates, but I’m also a little nervous to see what happens.
To date or not to date – that is truly my question. I feel like I’m at the start of a huge race (dating) and wondering if I trained enough. Am I really prepared? What if I start running and realize that I’m not there yet? There’s part of me that says I’ll keep training and wait. Honestly, that feels like the safer bet. Keep training indefinitely. The other part of my brain says run, find out where you really are and if you’re ready. At the time I’m writing this I’m still debating. Am I the friend on the sideline cheering on my racing friends or do I pay the entry fee and actually line up and race? If I start racing and realize that I can’t do it does that mean I’m a quitter or just suck at this thing? I’m not sure, but I know I’ll figure it out when I’m supposed to. If not- I’ll need some girlfriends to help me cross the finish line and give me a banana and a hug.
Words & Pictures Property Melissa Moore Media