Feeling Restless in Life
Aug 7, 2020, 12:54 PM
2020 and all the craziness and change of this year has made me restless. I have been trying to put my finger on it…why do I feel like this? I know that this year’s quarantine, social distancing and financial challenges have left me feeling restless and at times anxious. I have been reevaluating my life, my decisions and what I want in my future. I have come up with an ‘emergency’ plan B in my head that helps me fight some of my anxiety. It’s a weird time and I feel every bit of it. Yet, I also recognize that we are exactly where we are supposed to be at this given moment. That is profound isn’t it. We are exactly where we are supposed to be. I know this is true, yet I still feel restless at times. Does any of this make sense?
One of the realizations I’ve had over the past few months is that I crave being physically closer to my family. Seven plus years ago I moved to CO to raise my daughter close to my father and family. My father has since moved away, my sister has moved back to Indiana and although I have a little bit of family here I find life to be a little bit lonely. On the flip side, I have the most amazing friends and tribe that I’ve ever had in my life. I have friends that would drop everything for me and vice versa. They are now my chosen family and I couldn’t be more thankful to have every single one of them. Yet, I’m restless.
Restless for true peace in our country. Restless for the financial, social and emotional hurting to subside. I’m restless for the simplicity of my Indiana childhood that is opposite to all of our craziness. I’ve been walking (until stress fracture- thank you very much bad shoes) and gardening to calm my mind and body. I’m filling my hummingbird feeder, planting more hummingbird plants and trying to immerse myself in any calm that I can. I’m decluttering my house and garage and getting rid of ‘things’ that don’t serve me any longer. There are parts of life right now that I really am enjoying. The pace of the world seems to have slowed down and I like it. I like seeing more families biking together and just getting outdoors. I like seeing us use our imagination for connecting. I also like knowing that most of us have realized how much we need one another – as friends and as a community. I like that we are recognizing where our country has fallen short and are beginning to fix it. I like our potential as people. Yet, I’m restless.
What I believe is that my restlessness has a purpose in my life. It means that I’m not there yet and still have work to do. Maybe its spiritual work, maybe it’s something bigger that I’m on a mission to find. I don’t believe that being restless during this unrest is a coincidence. I believe that it’s a prodding for change. That doesn’t mean I think there needs to be a knee jerk change, just the opposite. I believe that many of us are restless because we know we are being called to do and be more of our authentic self. At first I fought feeling restless because it caused my anxiety to spike. I dove into my tool kit to deal with my diagnosed anxiety, but I knew there was a meaning behind the struggle. I still believe that with every fiber in my being. The struggle is real and part of my purpose. For today, I’m accepting the restlessness.
Have struggled with anxiety for much of my life, I know when I’m in a dangerous territory. This doesn’t feel like that. My heart isn’t racing, I’m not having trouble eating or sleeping. It’s a different kind of restlessness. It’s more on a soul level versus feeling like life has me on the edge. At times I’m still struggling with my anxiety, but this feeling of unrest has been different. I also have given myself a break to feeling like I need to figure it all out and find the answers. I know they will come. Just like I know that I’m exactly where I’m supposed to be today. One day at a time.
Xoxo
Melissa
